Published: July 2025
I recently came across an article titled “What to do when Someone Goes On the Defensive” and it caught my attention. Someone questioning a decision, your performance (especially if it’s a superior at the office or someone you admire) or asking why you did this or that can trigger defensiveness. I know that I have a tendency to ‘get defensive’ on occasion and wondered if I could pick up a few pointers in how to curtail my reaction.
The article offers several real-life examples, both personal and professional, along with valuable tips for managing defensive reactions during conversations, and to help prepare for necessary follow-up discussions.
Below are Key Points. Read the full article here.
The best way to manage other people’s defensiveness is to better manage yourself. The more self-aware you are in these situations, and the more skillfully you manage yourself when interacting with defensive people, the greater your chances of success.
Use the AVA method to handle your own emotions. It stands for ‘Acknowledge, Validate, Act’. As long as you briefly acknowledge what you’re feeling, validate that it’s OK to feel those things, and then refocus on acting according to your values, you’ll be in good shape. By making space for your emotions, you’ll stop them derailing your best intentions.
Use reverse empathy to get curious about their insecurities. When you’re genuinely curious about a person and their defensiveness, it tends to be disarming – for them and for you. Reverse empathy helps you achieve this, and involves you imagining a time when you were in a similar situation and how it felt.
Use strategic vulnerability to connect with a defensive person. Defensiveness often comes about because a person feels lonely or disconnected. A great way to build intimacy with them is to share your own vulnerabilities (your fears, pains or insecurities), not in a woo-woo way, but thoughtfully and incrementally.
Anticipate and plan for defensiveness ahead of time. If you know you’re going to be making a request of or a proposal to a defensive person, it pays to be strategic by laying the groundwork: rehearse what you’re going to say; share a sincere compliment; ask a genuine open-ended question; listen; and only then make your request or proposal.
Author: Kerry Martin
